So tonight I decided to make some food and, for the 3rd time of my time in Hong Kong, actually cook some food (that wasn’t instant noodles).
Fail story. Begin.
I decided on cooking Dennis’ Chixican Chili (Chixican = CHINESE + MEXICAN. And also because IT HAS CHICKEN). As always, when I cook, I TW and cook for at least 3-5 days worth. So I headed off for the supermarket with my list of ingredients. First the supermarket didn’t have any onions, so I ditched those. Then I couldn’t find any chili, so I substituted with chili sauce. I was estimating how much I would need for 3-5 days and how much I could cook in 1 big pan. Here’s what my trolley consisted of:
3x potatoes, 8x tomatoes, a can of beans, 1.5 kg of mince pork, some chicken breast fillet, chili sauce, a bag of rice, an icicle.
Surprise surprise, completely overestimated. I would learn this later. The hard way.
So lugging all this crap back, I set up the kitchen. You know how sometimes you go somewhere new, like a mysterious computer lab in a dark corner of the engineering faculty you have never visited, or some pubic toilet at some random petrol station, and you find that everything is a pile of shit. Well, that’s what my kitchen is like. After a few minutes of foraging through an absolutely disastrous array of utensils, I emerged equipped to handle the task ahead. My weapon of choice was a peeler, a can opener, a knife and the largest pan I could find. This battle sadly went a bit one-sided.
Allow me to introduce you to the sharpest (and probably cleanest) knife I could find. This knife failed to cut through a tomato. Enough said.
With the knife as sharp as a camel’s arse, dicing was clearly out of the question. And when god gives you crappy knife, tomatoes and potatoes; you don’t sit there and cry. You look him in the eye, say “fuck you good sir” and make potato rectangular prisms and tomato triangular pyramids like a man.
Now here’s the next problem. How many potatoes is 3 potatoes?
Apparently too many. It filled my entire fucking bowl.
You can also see the horrendous job the knife pulled on the tomato. If the tomatoes were the taxes you were attempting to evade, and the knife was a poorly trained and/or highly moral accountant, Tony would be all up in your ass by now. Can you see where the knife made a nice clean cut on the tomato? Yeah, neither can I.
I pretty much just gave up and started cutting(and I use the term loosely) tomatoes into quarters or eights and throwing them in. Upon finishing that, I went to pop open my beans only to be smacked in the face with a brick. And by brick I mean a piece of shit of a can opener.
Three of them.
Third can opener lucky. Apparently.
After being raped by the beans it was time to process the meat. I had some mince pork meat and some chicken fillet which was MW (as you can see). Well, if the knife failed on tomatos, it doesn’t stand a fucking chance against meat. I tried to poke as many holes into the chicken as a I can before I cooked it.
Ok. So now with most of the ingredients prepared, it’s time to cook! Some oil in the pan first. Wait… there’s no more oil….. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
That will have to do. Meat in first, some seasoning, and in come the rest of the shit. Oh wait. I forgot, my truckload of ingredients don’t fit in this fucking pan. So now I’ll have to do 2 batches, and since each batch takes 1-1.5 hours I will be sitting next to this pan for the next 3 hours or so.
So I dumped the first load in the pan and Asian’d the dish up with a little help from my friend Mr. Lee. (Also because I didn’t get my hands on any chili)
Great, now I will have to lid this shit and wait for an hour or so. But alas, life is never this easy. THERE IS NO LID. Which meant that for the next hour I had to periodically add more and more water into the pot and keep stirring so it doesn’t dehydrate or stick. FML.
Fast forward 1.5 hours later, first batch is done! We finally have a good pot of Dennis’ Chixican Chili.
First batch done. Second batch go.
Dinner time.
This of course scored 10 units of awesomeness because I made it.
Best served with 100CCs of FUCK YOU.
Peace.
Edit: In hindsight, I may have been a bit too angry while making this.
